The lie of social media

I suspect everyone wants to give more but its just not feasible without giving away too much of themselves. I'm definitely not one of the cool kids and I know how you feel. I feel ignored, looked down on and unloved. Its taken a lot of work to get over that feeling.

Some people just dont have the time/resources to give. Others try to show their respect in the way they know how. I remember Dave Navarro giving me a free consulting call as he drove home from work. I got $500 from a respected blogger in return for my help last year.

Yeah, I can't be buddy buddies with everyone I respect. There is a feeling of being used in the social web.

However I've always seen twitter as the place to hang out and make friends. I don't necessarily care who that person is so it makes the web a more interesting place.

This is why you're a better human being than I am.

Try having 5 years of severe, debilitating anxiety. You change. I'm now, most of the time, so kumbaya and hugs and puppies. The rest of the time?

I have to get offline because I despise social media and how it seems to encourage falseness.

Its just… a mindset. I'm learning to change the mindset but seriously, its a struggle. I'm jealous all the time, especially of you. You are so rocking it. I just control it well.

(first, I'm totally distracted by being put in the same bed as these other cool kids. really? oy.)

I don't know how this has happened. And I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. There's a major scalability problem, even in social media. You're right, as much as I care about everyone, as much as I want to reply to every @ reply and email … seriously, it's physically impossible. And, I obviously can't give major attention to as many people as I would want to. Yes, an absolutely amazing, wonderful problem to have. But how you feel is the result.

And maybe that is the problem, when it comes down to it. It's about truth. We can't be saying that you can go on social media and get access to the cool kids. Because the word “access” is misleading. Maybe you can get them to @ reply you or meet you at a tweetup. But whether you really get attention from them … that can't be promised. And, the bigger a cool kid gets, the less that is likely. Hum.

<HUGS>

How do you know you'd actually want to be buddies with any of those people anyway? I mean, they're just people doing what they do.

All of those people make money online…When I visit a hairstylist at a salon, it's customary that I pay her for her time. She's gotta eat, right? If she's popular, the chances of her having time to develop a friendship with me go down because she's only given 24 hours in a day, too. At this point, we're getting into a depth thing… It's hard to find good friends. But when you find them, it just works.

Perhaps a change of perspective would help quell your fears of missing out on something. I'm betting your network is a whole lot cooler than you see…

When I'm not being insane, I know and enjoy the sheer glory and awesomeness of all the other people I interact with. But the Cool People are still cool! And I want to hang out with them.

I hate social media – it's really not sociable at all – When I do the twitter thang – then I just feel like I standing there going – uh, what?! I check in and do it every once in a while just because, uh, I'm SUPPOSE to? I really don't have time to just hang out there – truly. So, will I be a TOTAL failure as a blogger-preneur-art-person? No, I don't think so. And, if that's what it takes – reading about somebody's breakfast or latest post or marketing push – well, then I will just have to deal with it.

I'm in forums – I support other members from there – hey! That's how I found BeAwesomeOnline. Best connection ever.

I am designing and posting on my sites because I like doing that. I like visiting here and getting your updates. You have valuable stuff, for fuck's sake. ; ) AND you said dildo. lol!

I love you, Catherine. I love Kevin, too. I am here. I'm listening. To me, you ARE one of the Cool Kids.

Oh, and I read another upset-stomping-foot style blog post today from a “cool kid” – I think Mars must be in retrograde. It happens.

Is it horrible that I find that comforting? No-one gets it right and we all think someone else is doing better. I have been wicked jealous of you for ages because of how well you get along with Dave and others.

You have 13,000 followers. I'm afraid you're going to have to accept it: you're a cool kid.

I feel for you, I do. You've already giving so much of yourself and there always a thousand more of me lined up saying “Gimme gimme! Hey, over here! What about meeeeeeee…”

You can't give us all attention. But I bet every single one of us thinks, “But surely you can make an exception for ME, right?”

I love you intensely, Pam. Don't ever let my tanty-throwing convince you otherwise.

No worries. : )

I do have a certain knack for making good connections. Heres my secret: pretend like you have an anxiety disorder. You can't leave the house because you'll feel sick and afraid. You can only be social online.

It definitely changes how you interact with people. I worked so hard to make authentic connections because I had to. The Dave connection was a sheer fluke. Most of my friendships started out because I was in the right place at the right time. Happy to email you if you ever wanna chat about it

And again you prove you're a better person than I am!

I'd love to see you do a post about “The right place, right time” phenomenon.

One day soon, when you have enough followers to be a “cool kid” I'm going to send you back to this post.

There are two ways to approach this. First, forge your own path. Listen to what the cool kids say, take the praise when it is handed down to you, but, rely on your own circle of cool people. Even the cool kids are going to have people that they can't make connections with.

Two – Unplug the internet (I'll happily take your bandwidth) and go live in a cave somewhere, where you can only have face-to-face interactions.

This frustration is why I suspect I don't really “get” social media. When I started on facebook I took great delight in declining “friend” offers from people I knew at school. I was all “I wasn't good enough to be friends with at school so there's no way I'm friending you now just so you can feel good about your friend count. Go find some other patsy” I now treat twitter as a kind of information source. It's an easy way to find cool stuff – if you follow the right people – but other than that, I find 140 characters restricts my level of random waffle way too much.

I'd love to be treated as an equal by you, but for me to think of you as an equal (at least in terms of web presence, but perhaps dodgy movie fandom would work) would be somewhat hypocritical.

The real trick is to choose who to make genuine connections with, and who to print out and stick on your wall of fame.

What on earth is stopping you from considering me your equal??? My god it's fascinating to see how differently people see me. I'm tiny!

You're my movie-deriding friend. That won't change even when I'm bigger than the Beatles.

Excellent.

I suspect most of my issues are to do with the annoying voices inside my head. If I attended an inferiority complex sufferers conference, I'd be the one hiding in the back waiting for them to find a problem with my application thingie and throw me out.

But, and I really should have put this in the earlier comment. Your posts are giving me lots of fodder for my Threatening Merchandise page. “Buy this shit or – Social media will fuck you in the ass with a giant dildo” it's right up there with “Armed men will execute your goldfish”

oooh oooh! Want me to do a post on this blog about it? (do you even do guest posts?) I'm doing a massive guest post campaign as part of this product launch I'll be doing next month. Otherwise it, I'll just incorporate it into the prelaunch content i had planned.

Anyhoo – im not a better person but whatever, coz I can see this turning into a conversation about 'You're awesome,' 'no YOU'RE awesome'. I'll end this by saying my nephew, Seth, is awesome. I know this because I bought him a captain awesome shirt today and thought of you

I would LOVE to have you post on it.

And obviously all of us are awesome. It tickles me that people are apparently associating my name with the word “awesome”. Glee!

Hey, get it right. It's a giant dildo MADE OUT OF YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART. Details matter.

Your first paragraph made me laugh out loud. I can't magically fix your Issues, but I can reassure you that you are goshdarn hilarious!

WHAT? I follow all of these people — and I don't follow them because I want them to be my buddy. i do it because they tweet stuff I want to know about. It's a big world, baby.

Oh sweetie, I think you're a cool kid.

Also, I must be an arrogant sod because even though I have a teeny tiny blog, I know in my heart of hearts that I'm just as awesome as all the cool kids. That's why I have no shame about commenting on stuff on Third Tribe, I reckon my opinion is as good as the next guy's, even when the next guy is Chris Brogan. Sure, they work harder than me and make more money but do they have such cool chickens? I think not!

Oh yeah, I was totally in this space. Not that long ago. At all. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about.

Maybe a year or two back, I tried for many months to get the attention of a certain Major Cool Kid. Nothin. Recently he's figured out I exist and now I get “I want to run away with you and make babies.”

Gareth's comment made me smile a lot.

And Jade got it in one. It's hard not to be able to connect the way I used to. (Not that I expect anyone to cry big old tears for me, understand.) I used to be able to hang, and now I'm so busy that I can't get to everything I actually need to do, never mind the stuff I wanted to.

Gareth's totally right, though, we're so sending you this post in a year or two.

Oh, wow. And I was shocked when you posted about the kick in the a**. Just joking. Kind of.

Anyway …

Sweetie, you sound like you need a big 'ol hug, even if it is virtual. <hug> There now, feel better? Good. Now get a kleenex and listen up, 'cause here's the honest-to-God truth:

You rock. In a world of bloggers, some good, some great – you sparkle. I read lots of blogs, and have lurked behind my RSS feeds for several years now. Only recently have I started leaving comments, and yours is the only blog that I've been regularly commenting on. Why is that?

One reason is that you engage back. You care. You ask questions. You interact. You make those of us who have to flex our courage muscles to make a comment feel glad that we were brave. I hope that as you grow and develop and gain more followers and more commenters and strengthen your tribe that you are able to still interact. But over time we will have to accept that you won't be able to do that as often or in a one-to-one manner. It's just logistics. That doesn't mean your thoughts and feedback won't be as valuable just because it's not aimed at one person. Every time I get one of Chris Brogan's newsletters, I feel as if he's writing to me. And yes, I've written him back a couple of times. And he even answered me once. And that was cool. But I don't comment on his blog very often, or tweet him directly. And that's okay, too – I don't think he misses my attention.

You have a following, and we love you, respect you, and want to be like you when we grow up. And we'll still love and respect you when you have 10,000 followers, get hundreds of comments per blog post, and have more business than you can shake a stick at – even if you can't write us back personally. We will wish you well, and then we'll start to nurture the folks that are even newer than we are and who look up to us and we'll start to look to them for feedback.

Don't get mad that some of the big guys can't respond personally. Growth is a cycle – so reverse your gears and go counter clockwise to get the feedback you seek. Look to the people who do have time and who hang on your every post and tweet for your emotional sustenance. We look up to you like you look up to the big guys (and gals). And maybe, some day, if we pay attention to what you say and become awesome online … maybe, we'll have a chance to make a difference too. Just like you do. That is, if we aren't too busy.

That's a sensible attitude, but I think I'd have to hatched over and hatched different before I could be that relaxed about it.

Mind you, I have a much less severe reaction in other media. While I would LIKE for David Boreanaz to jump through the TV and sweep me away (sigh), I know that exists in the land of daydreams. With social media it is (or at least it's advertised as) a real possibility.

That's not arrogant! That's kick-ass. To be honest, I kinda think that I'm as awesome as the cool kids too. Maybe that's why it hurts when they don't agree? Or at least don't agree enough to bring me in to the circle?

Seriously, both you AND ElizabethPW comment on this post? You're both just encouraging me.

I hope I made it clear that I'm not blaming you. I love you! I know that you know who I am and you think I'm awesome, and those are thoughts to keep me warm on a cold night. And I do Get It. Attention doesn't scale, that's why you charge for it.

But I've seen a lot of people talk about scalability recently, and none really mentioned how much it hurts people. The social media bigwigs never talk about how to be immensely popular you have to ignore a lot of people. And none seem to want to talk about that part, or how to deal with it both at the Cool Kid level (because it hurts you) and at the Not-Quite-There-Yet level (because it hurts us too).

Well you know, they've got a lot on their plates and they just haven't noticed how freaking awesome you are yet. Don't be disheartened. Btw, I'm so looking forward to our call tomorrow. I need to have a big think about what we're going to talk about – do NOT let me get off track, I can talk for Britain!

I feel encouraged.

You've managed to get one of the most flexible slots (my Saturday morning)… we can chat for HOURS if it works out like I think it will.

Oh Wendy, I thought about you so hard before publishing this. I didn't want to offend you! I hope you're not too shocked.

I'm greedy for love and approval. I bask, BASK, in the wonderful things you've said in this comment and ones past. (I'm honoured that I'm the only place you comment regularly, but I feel sad for all the other blogs that are missing out on your wonderful feedback!) I clip them out and show my very patient partner and tell my co-workers.

It's just sometimes I want the Big Kids to approve. It's not more important… in fact in some ways it's much less important: I'm (hopefully) making a much bigger impact on your business than I ever could on the people who have Already Made It. But they've been my inspiration and it would be great to know that they're impressed by how I've taken their wisdom and used it to make my own thing.

To quote Queen: I want it all, and I want it now.

Sure you still admire me?

This entire post just cracks me up. Honestly I have even given several of the cool kids my friggen money, yep, bought their info products, joined their courses, became part of their closed door membership only forums. Guess what? It has not done me a damn bit of good. They just keep sending me emails with more info products, more courses, more membership sites. I about puked when after spending way more money than I can account for in returns (be it learning, information, or belonging) I got an email from one of these cool kids about the third tribe. The what? The 3rd???? WTF

Sorry to cuss in your comments, you can delete or edit if you want but since you wrote this post all of that frustration just bubbled right up from where it has been sitting deep in my belly for a few months now! Heck I even painted these emotions right onto canvases trying to get that bitter taste out of my mouth.

Crawling back into my hole now. Gotta say though, this post rocked! You rock! And you have huge kahunas my friend.

Ha, don't encourage me!

I don't get offended easily Catherine. So if your goal was to get people to come read and comment, well played?

I've made more friends on Twitter than anywhere in my life. I give everyday. I build relationships everyday. I'm going to SXSW tomorrow because I get to meet hundreds of people on Twitter I've had the honour of talking with.

Clearly you're pissed, I get that. But really? Personally insulting me?

Also:

“When I’ve been looking forward to my consulting session with Scott Stratten for weeks and his secretary cancels at the last minute and I know, I know that I’m Just Another Appointment, I burn with resentment and shame.”

As Karen explained, that very day, the day I was also excited to talk to you, since we've talked on Twitter, and I had thought you were a positive person! Overnight my laptop, and in turn my server that hosts 100 client movies/sites got hit with a malware attack that crippled everything. It happens, as you know things come up. Since we were talking on Skype of the consult, that wasn't going to be possible. Maybe I could've worked a way around it, but in emergency mode, my state of mind would've not been the best to address your needs of the 20 minute call and I really wanted to be “there” not just on the line, if that makes sense.

Trust me, I rather have been talking with you than dealing with virus scans, reformats and panic.

But really, i have no time for the “cool kids” argument. I started at zero followers, started talking to people, if they didn't talk back, I stopped talking. I didn't say “fuck them” in a blog post, especially one that talks about being “awesome” online. I don't talk to only “popular” people or “cool kids”. I talk to people that interest me, that are saying something I want to add to or that ask me a question. I answer almost every question that's ever asked of me. but I wont have someone insult me and my friends like Elizabeth. Here and I came through 'Twitter High School' together. we were both at your follower count and played by this rule: find great people, talk with them, ignore the ones who don't. And we've grown.

I used to love seeing your twitter profile pic pop-up on my screen. Such a happy smile, great tweets. It wasn't because you bought my course, but because you were such a positive, supportive person. You stood out to me.

Now this post stands out too. If you think the “cool” kids are bad, check out the crowd of people that write hurtful blog posts about them, then tweet how excited they are that they did it.

Oh damn. Okay, lots of stuff I want to talk about and I need to make sure I'm not going to cry when I write it.

I'm very sorry I've offended you, Scott. That wasn't the intention. I hoped I could write about the problems implicit in the social media one-to-many model. The reason I was writing about my hurt and anger is because I love you, and the other people I named, and it sucks when we can't be buddies in the way I want us to be.

It was a scary post to be so honest in. I wrote it thinking I would not publish it, then I asked Elizabeth PW about what to do with it (since she's my Live Your Truth coach). She told me to publish it, so I went for it.

It is still the truth. I didn't know that you regarded my posts so highly or that you were as disappointed as I was by the cancelling of our appointment. I didn't know you knew who I was, as someone distinct from the many many other wonderful people following you and replying to your tweets. I didn't know you thought I was awesome.

And that's not your fault, unless there is a secret technique to clone yourself or travel through time that you know and aren't sharing. It's the reality of the social media dynamic: you can't respond to all of us. You can't be best buddies with us all.

I can see you're unimpressed with my painfully and frighteningly (to me) honest departure from my usual cheerful this-is-fun persona and behaviour. I don't want to be, and I didn't INTEND to be, the I-hate-you-guys-why-don't-you-come-to-my-party hurtful sniper, dismissing the people who have done the same stuff they're doing, just earlier and better. I'm hopeful and working so that one day I will, as Sonia opines, have “made it” and be dealing with this problem myself.

But there are lots of people feeling hurt and sad and resentful because they can't be close to the people they admire. That's not a problem with the cool kids, who are doing wonders and being insanely generous with their time and attention and affection; it's a problem with the model. And, of course, with me.

Again, my apologies for hurting you. I'm not excited I did that.

Scott, I understand how naming you might make you angry but perhaps the situation of the cancel was not communicated clearly enough to Catherine?

You assume it was yet maybe it wasn't. I would have expected something along the lines of… “I am sorry you felt slighted, that was not my intention, there was an emergency and I should have personally contacted you to let you know things were crazy… blah blah blah”. It's just basic customer service really.

As for calling folks out on blogs I find your comments a little facetious considering:
http://www.un-marketing.com/blog/2009/11/06/an-...
http://www.un-marketing.com/blog/2010/01/10/aim...
http://www.un-marketing.com/blog/2010/01/20/how...

You are Catherine's Yellow pages… so to speak. Do you regret calling them out and causing their employees to misguidedly attempt to defend their company on your blog? And then make a joke of their attempts?

I just want to say that I've paid for products from a lot of the cool kids. Many new that I was struggling and helped me out with discounts and freebies. I've made so much in return and am now at a stage where they'll take time out of their busy schedules for me.

I'm not going to name names but its all about attitude. And yeah, it hurts, and my feelings get hurt all the time. But I could name so many A, B and C listers who have totally made it all worth while because of the help and support they have given me.

No, I knew why it was cancelled. His lovely assistant emailed me to let me know.

But the bit that sucks isn't Scott's fault. If there was no-one else in the world, then he could say, “Sorry about that. Tech sucks, huh? Looking forward to next time.” But there are 49,999 other me's with other needs, and no-one can cope with them all. That's what hurts.

Uhm Hi…
You are clearly very hurt and angry and that makes me sad for you.
You have written a very personal post about five people.
Two of them i do not know.
One of them i know on line, highly respect and like and hope to meet soon.
One of them i consider to be an online sister, have met in real life, highly respect and adore.
One of them is my best friend.
I have just over 2000 followers on twitter today, but when these three people started talking to me i have a few hundred. They are among the most kind and giving people on twitter and off – examples of how to be engaging with everyone, independent of “cool”.
And more than that, they are real people. Not brands, not faces with other people writing for them. They are real and they will read this. How would it feel if someone wrote this kind of thing out loud about you?
Honey, there is plenty of hate online, but you've aimed yours at the wrong people.

Catherine, I respect your point in this post and the tweets but I see unmarketings point.

I have a rule. I talk about my failures, my feelings when it comes to the 'raw' posts. But I try not to be the one that brings others into it unless referring to how I let them down.

Like Darren Rowse. I considered him a good mate but we rarely tweet or chat anymore. I could be offended, or I could acknowledge that we are two insanely busy people and that sometimes, money has to change hands for someone to have the time to acknowledge you. Its just how it is.

I'm already getting like is and I am so far down the food chain. I cant give everyone the attention they need. Its… sucky but yeah.

As Scott said, we all start from the bottom. I'm still at the bottom. And hustling is hard but yeah.

I mean this kindly. I have to go into town for a massive day of opening business accounts and such and would much rather be home. Will pop bck when im home.

I find it funny that you warn me about assuming, by assuming something yourself.

I'm well aware of what's on my blog, since I kinda wrote it.

I spout off all the time, and if people react in the comments to it, then I provide them the comment section to do it. Just like what's happening here.

If catherine wrote about her displeasure of a postponment of our call, that's one thing. You seem like a smart cookie, so you know as well as I do this post isn't about that.

You post and lash out people with emotion, they (I) will react back.

I could've come on here and said “I'm sorry, good on ya!” but that wouldn't be my real reaction. It hurt me what was written there, and Catherine needed to know that, otherwise, as she put it, I'd be taking it with a dildo in the ass.

Excellent points Jade. The post was all about me and my feelings, and my frustration with the system. Not about the people I admire and want to be closer to.

Lessons learned for next time, assuming I don't actually dissolve into a pool of shame.

Good luck with the bizness stuff.

And that's fair. I'm sure Scott didn't want me to feel hurt about his laptop exploding. But it's proof that social media is real relationships: People get hurt. And sometimes people are insane enough to write public posts about their feelings. And then that hurts other people. And then the original people feel terribly bad about themselves.

But that's the thing, I told 50,000 people, asked for help since I value all my followers opinions, called Karen to please let you know as soon as it happened that our call was in trouble. This is the part that hurts:

“I know, I know that I’m Just Another Appointment”

You weren't. It was even in my schedule as “Skype call with awesome Catherine”. I remember you posting on my “25 things you don't know about me” that you were signing my hug waiver. I remember that comment. I see every tweet.

Maybe it's my fault cause you don't know those things, or didn't know before writing it. Maybe I assumed that people know that I generally care and adore every person I have the honour of interacting with online and in real life.

I love people and this aside, I adore you. This just doesn't help your cause or your brand. Or maybe it does. Who knows.

When you've got as many followers as you do, it become difficult to believe that you DO remember that stuff and love us unless you tell us. Every one of us. Specifically. By name. Possibly signed in blood.

From my end I got an email from your assistant and that's the only part I see. I don't see you smile at my comments, or remember my hug offer (which is still valid if I can ever start feeling less awkward), or notice my tweets in the ever-moving stream you describe. How then do I know that you care about me, as opposed to all those other guys?

Unless you tell me, I can't. And so i feel like Just Another Appointment, lurking on your Twitter stream to see if you mention the cancellation.

“How then do I know that you care about me, as opposed to all those other guys?”

You could of asked

DM, email, tweet….. “Hey big deal, do u care about us/me?”

Yep! You're honest, you're transparent, you're passionate about wanting to help people – and you're sharing your thoughts. What's not to admire? Keep on being awesomely human online!

Hi Alison,

You did not meet me on my bestest day ever. Usually I'm very cheerful and upbeat, I swear!

I'm not hating the people (who I love desperately), although I can understand how Scott felt hurt. (Elizabeth and Sonia say they didn't, but who knows?) Like the incredibly mature grown-up I am, when I'm hurt I lash out. To expect no-one to feel hurt by that was, umm, possibly a trifle naive on my part.

Really, it's the system that frustrates me. It's the limitations of time and attention and our lack of intent-reading.

I love the people I'm following, “cool” or not. And I'm ever-lastingly glad that Scott and the others give so much of themselves. The rest is my issues, and that was what I was talking about too.

I read this out loud to myself and oddly enough I understood exactly what I was talking about and so I wasn't offended. But of course I would be.

Does that make sense?

Even I have limits on how much I'm willing to set myself up for incredible disappointment.

What if you'd said: “Umm. Yeah. You. You're, uh, great. Love that thing you did that time.”?

Does this mean you're going to DM every one of us?

apparently it's within those limits to write a blog post about it though….

And regarding DM's, I get 50-100 a day, and reply to almost every one

Wow, and now I'm taking up your pre-SXSW brainmeats with my issues. Argh.

Oh… logic. I warned at the beginning of the post that there was none of that. Besides, the tweet of this would have been ever more pathetic. “Waaah why don't the incredibly busy thought leaders have time to tell me they love me?”

To be honest, it doesn't really make sense.
I have a really good rule you might want to try: write angry email/post/text, sleep, read, send to someone you trust, get their feedback, read again…usually leads to delete or at least to taking out the fuck words….
I am not a social media cool kid, i do this for fun. I comment because of the people you called out, they would be the first to support you and the first to understand your past hurts.
They are professional social media people, but that is not a crime. If you do not want to pay for their services then don't. If you don't like following them because of their content or whatever, then don't. There are like a gazillion other people on twitter.
You don't “love” them, as you say, you don't know them. I am worried about you and the extreme of your emotion for these people.

Hey, Catherine!

No regrets. EVER. You have expressed honest emotion around some truly good points. It's just like a kid having growing pains: It hurts but it doesn't last forever.

You are MY rock star.

Scott, I stopped following you on twitter a long time ago because of the gut reactions that I saw you make. Yes, I agree it is ok for you to post in response on Catherine's blog. And yes, she did call you out and fair is fair.
But I really do see what she wrote as being no different than your calling out the Yellow pages folks.
Relationships are important right? When someone attacks me I do fight back but… I try very hard to do it in a diplomatic way even if the attacker was not diplomatic. Why? Because I care about the attacker? Not so much.
It is because how I handle that moment will be seen by many different eyeballs and I want those others to know that I am capable of graciousness and understanding.
That said, I'm no victim so I do defend, just in a way that leaves us both room for coming back together if we should both want to. Think of giving them the option to ‘save face’ if I can.
My thought (assumed or not) was that perhaps
a) Catherine didn't realize the magnitude of the reason for the cancel; and even if she didn’t yes, I would have given her that as an out
b) if she were my client I would see it as one of the things she could work on and not taken such a high road with my first comment/ parry (ie: leaving a little more room for her to step back, rethink, and perhaps change her mind, publicly of course)
I'm not getting into the 'assume' discussion since anything can be assumed to be this or that and especially when my definition of assume and yours may not agree. Which is totally ok as my environment determines my definition of a word and yours yours.
I'm also not going to comment on the 'smart cookie' reference.
I will say that I agree the post wasn't about her displeasure of a particular incident (your cancel) but about a far bigger and more important problem. And no, that may not be Catherine’s intent, but it is how I took it. This problem is quite prevalent in such circles as PR and the whole group of marketing guru's currently in fashion. And that is the problem of ‘take take’ ‘push push’ and then…’ ignore ignore’ after the’ give give’ happens. The give being my money, my time and my attention to their product, service, coaching.
When I said earlier that I have spent a lot of money on marketing information/coaching/and training I really meant it. And I did it all at once, with precision and after really weeding out what I thought were the ones who had something great to offer me, appeared to be down to earth, and who would help me with advice. (ie: I was buying because of the person as much as I was the information; which is exactly what happens when folks buy art, they buy because of the artist as much as they do the piece of art itself).
When I paid for a 'cool kid' membership site I tried posting on the forums and got zero from the cool kids. The only real responses were those of other folks in my same situation/level. But the problem with that is that I paid to get cool kid level responses too. You see what I am saying?
I've come to the realization that the cool kids are busy being cool (so to speak, although I think it would be more apt to call them successful kids) and that those of us who want to become successful should stop following the cool kids, stop worrying about the cool kids and go out and find our own level of good kids to hang with and promote and support.
My hope is that if I ever get to that level I will not forget those who are not 'cool' yet; that I not forget I came from the same level that they are now at and that I will name drop ‘their’ names far more than I do the cool kids names (or those of my ‘tribe’), and do my best to pull them up to join me verses letting them know they are not going to be a part of my tribe (1st versus 3rd for instance).

It's a good rule. I did take a moment to think, “Do I really want to publish this?” so I asked ElizabethPW, since she's my Live Your Truth coach and she said to go for it.

I couldn't have edited it first. It was the rawest, most honest expression of some of the feelings I hadn't let myself say about the frustrations of trying to connect with people online. If I'd taken out the (to me, a bit extreme) cussing, I would have kept on editing until there was nothing left but, “Hey. It sure is frustrating to develop relationships on the internet at times, isn't it?” And that wouldn't have been my truth. Or a very good post.

I'm not a crazy stalker, although I'm sure every crazy stalker ever has used those words. But it can be argued that I DO know these people. When I've seen the tour of Elizabeth's new apartment, or watched Scott talk about the Daymaker realisation in his paid videos, then I'm relating to those people. But of course, they aren't watching me back. So it leads to odd situations.

My intent was to write about a bigger problem, but not the one you're talking about. It was much more about the frustration of scalability. I can see where you got your interpretation from.

I'd like to see this discussion move away from assumptions. There's too much chance to hurt, as we've seen.

that is what elizabeth would do, isn't she awesome?

for the record, i'm not nearly as awesome as she is. I would temper my truth with kindness. Purely from a business point of view, which i know a little bit about, the brand “Awesome” doesn't go well with the brand “turn it into a dildo to fuck you in the ass.”

If i needed a website or whatever you do, this blog would turn me off in a second.

That's totally understandable. Up until know, everything has been totally consistent with that brand and the naughtiest word I have used is “ass”. (I put this post behind a warning link.)

But from a purely business perspective (assuming for a minute that I never mentioned names, but otherwise expressed the same sentiments), this would be a bold positioning move. Every marketing resource I've read (including Scott's) advises polarising your audience. And they all warn that it's really uncomfortable. So wouldn't it be a good thing that this turned you off?

lol, well, you do know how to keep a conversation going and he would like that.
but no, turning off your customers, not really a good way to go.
and i am done engaging with you, maybe i am cooler than i thought i was

“Scott, I stopped following you on twitter a long time ago because of the gut reactions that I saw you make.”

Fair enough, you can follow/unfollow anyone and good on ya for pointing it out you unfollowed me.

Here's the thing: I don't care. I can't care who unfollows me because it's out of my control. If I sat there and cared and thought “will someone unfollow me if I tweet this?” I would've been gone long ago. I love people, I love relationships and I love Twitter. I will help anyone and everyone who asks for it, every day.

“It is because how I handle that moment will be seen by many different eyeballs and I want those others to know that I am capable of graciousness and understanding.”

And that's your choice. I don't do “gracious” and understanding when someone calls out my integrity. I don't try to understand when someone tweets with my name in it multiple times and says “COME SEE!” and starts a post about being bent over and fucked by a dildo in the ass as it's related to how I and my friends use Twitter.

I want people to see how I react, I'm transparent as you can get. That's what I stand for. I want people to see I will stand up for myself, my friends and colleagues. I don't talk to people based on follow numbers or status, I talk with people that I think are awesome, that get my brain going or make me laugh. And I talk/type/react with passion and stand beside it. I'm fine with how the world views it. If I was the director of marketing for a corporation, this may be different since they would be the bigger brand. But I am UnMarketing, I run the show and it stands for having a the guts to stand up for what you believe in.

“if she were my client I would see it as one of the things she could work on and not taken such a high road with my first comment/ parry”

You would react differently? No kidding. But I didn't ask what you would do. If someone takes a dump on my head, I will choose what way to clean it up. I don't need you to criticize my choice of shampoo I'm using to clean it out of my hair.

Before I address the rest of your comment, are you lumping me into one of the “cool kids” that you're mentioning. Since we're trying to stay away from assuming here, I just want to confirm

Thanks, you.

Bye, Alison. Thanks for spending so much time chatting with me, you raised a lot of excellent points I'll be thinking about.

“Every marketing resource I've read (including Scott's) advises polarising your audience. And they all warn that it's really uncomfortable. So wouldn't it be a good thing that this turned you off?”

And the more I think about it, the more I realize this is what this is. Again, congrats, you pissed people off, and I fell for it.

and “living your truth” does not mean being an asshole, or maybe it does. Just if you shout out the truth, be prepared to get it back.

I wish you all the best, but I have a sick little guy that's waking up so I'm gonna focus my attentions on him, and leave this post alone from now on.

All the best

Some more great points. I'm writing one HELL of a follow-up post in the next few days. Now I need to step away from this for a bit before I actually do start crying in the office. People are probably already wondering why I'm hectically flushed.

See Catherine's comment about how I have misunderstood her issue entirely and that she wasn't really pointing fingers ( although I kinda don't get the actual names listed if it was the system she was disappointed in ). Since this is Catherine's blog and she wasn't actually talking about the same thing that I am I'm opting to take my comments to my blog and not continuing the discussion here. You can feel free to follow there if you want to 'hear' what I am saying or if you just want to flame me. Either way I won't clutter up her comments any further.

[...] Comments Naomi Dunford on Aftermath of heresy, part 1: Questions about social mediabornfamous on Website heresy: The lie of social mediabornfamous on Website heresy: The lie of social mediaTiara the Merch Girl on Aftermath of heresy, [...]

[...] can read the posts that relate to this here, here and [...]

Oh my, it makes me feel good to read this. It means I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes, and really, it's perfectly normal!

Oops, guess I should read all the comments before I make one myself. I still mean what I said above, but I want to add that I didn't take what you said as insulting the 'cool kids' at all. I got that you were upset with the way things work and that you weren't blaming the people you named. And I can totally empathize with how badly you felt for hurting Scott.

Maybe the conversation can be turned on it's head and we can figure out, as you allude to Catherine, how to be our own cool kids. Truth is, I have a list of “cool kids” from first grade in my head. Pissed me off that I didn't fit their defnition of cool. Still have it sort of when I put myself back in first grade. But now, well, they're just people. with lives. some messy lives. just like me.

I had been trying to get in with the cool kids for so long that I missed the point — I wasn't going to be any cooler just because they asked me to kick ball, or slated me as the next national vice president of my sorority or sat next to me at a conference…I was my own, wacky, edgy, saying the wrong thing most of the time person.

I like it when people follow me or ask me questions and I desperately hope that I have a tweetup and people show up (wouldn't that be UNCOOL if no one came)…but I'm still me. dorky old me who likes to hibernate in her room, read murder mysteries and make other people laugh.

Sure, I like the nod or two from the cool kids (whomever I think they are at any given moment) but it's like benediction from the pope — I don't expect that we'd be hanging out anytime soon. And really, we might not have much in common any way.

Catherine – you told your truth and that's the key.
EPW – I still have a girl-crush on you. Even when you weren't cool. But I don't know that I expect you to have a crush back on me . And that's okay – because maintaining those true, deep connections is freaking hardwork. And it takes me years to decide I'm willing to work that hard … crap. there's a truth to be faced.

Hugs y'all.

Thanks, L. (Not sure if you want me to use your name. Your initial is okay, right?)

I rewrote the post to more clearly make the point I wanted (the one you picked up on). It's here: http://www.beawesomeonline.com/my-new-social-rules

As I say there, the hurt is my only regret. Otherwise I'm just really, really grateful I have such wonderful readers and people who Get what I'm saying.

Thank you for all the feedback. I wrote (or rather, re-wrote, with a lot more rationality) the post here: http://www.beawesomeonline.com/my-new-social-rules

Hey there,

I realised that I didn't get to talk with you much (in the middle of the madness) about my points, and yours, and what we all mean to say. I think I did a better job here: http://www.beawesomeonline.com/my-new-social-rules and I'd love to see what you think about it.

And I had a lot more thoughts about it, which I wrote here: http://www.beawesomeonline.com/my-new-social-rules

Jess, I was thrilled to see you in the comments. You made some great points, and I thought about them more and ended up with a follow-up post here: http://www.beawesomeonline.com/my-new-social-rules

Wow. from all the discussion, I think we can see we're all real people here. And to a one, real = cool. We just have a hard time (okay, I'm talking about me, don't know about the rest of you cats) I have a hard time seeing cool in the mirror when I look. Until I peer really closely into the eyes, and untense my jaw and BREATHE. Then I'm less uncool than I thought.

Whether I agree or disagree, admire, or not, I welcome opportunities to engage and connect. We may not like the same stuff, use the same process or even enjoy the same sports, but we're in the journey together and I like knowing that.

yeah, kumbahyah and hugs. that's me.

I totally get that, Peggie. We think we've outgrown all that stuff, and then it comes up and bites us.

I love the truths there. Some of which I still need to face too.

Hell yes. Kumbaya and hugs.

Oops, I didn't realize I was using my 'handle' of bornfamous and not my name. I've changed that at disqus and feel free to call me LaVonne.

I just want to add that YOU'RE the cool kid to me! And I very much appreciate your kindness and attention.

It's so very comforting to know that I'm not a completely irredeemable jackass. What do you think of the new post version? http://www.beawesomeonline.com/my-new-social-rules

Well, not COMPLETELY irredeemable! Love the new post.

[...] his open marriage (and his subsequent divorce). And Catherine Caine recently went on a rant about the lie of social media (the fallout from that emotional post inspired this [...]

Wow, Catherine – thank you for the links! And I would never disown you.

Well, I didn't want to alienate you with the language. Thanks for sticking with me.

I don't have a lot to add to this, other than an observation:

Have you ever noticed how we seem to spend our entire lives repeating the dramas of the school playground in our heads, over and over again?

Sad, isn't it? If only my childhood drama involved pirate kidnappings, guitar-playing Martians and the lost kung fu style…

Hi Catherine,

Coming to this party late, via your cleaned up posts then reading the comments on this one.

I have an oblique angle to add, having read the posts and the reactions. I'm interested in how much nuances of culture, despite speaking the same language, contributed to the debate in this post.

We're both Australian, operating in a multi-nation internet, where often the dominant voice is that of our US based friends. I should give you, and other comments readers, some of my background which will give context to the assumptions/observations on the rest of this post:

I was born and lived in Sydney until I was 30, when I moved to the UK to be with a lovely man – last year. Except for a year when I was 16 when I went on exchange in Thailand. My teens and early twenties were spent negotiating inter-cultural relationships, mostly Asian to Australian, but also American to Australian. One of the most relevant statements for international students is that the America-Australia exchange can be the most challenging as it is assumed that because everyone speaks the same language, and the prevalence of American media, that understanding will be easy. It isn't, as it relies on observations of nuances in meaning and behavioural expectations.

As stated above I am now living in London, where most people I mix with are English. The rule I described above holds true here as well. Misunderstandings frequently occur as nuances of meaning and behavioural expectations are different but not explained. I frequently come a cropper on the difference between the English stiff upper lip, and the Australian desire to rant and get it out of the system (quite pertinent here).

In between those two experiences I was an “internet celebrity” (firmly tongue in cheek) for an internet based radio station, with a listener base of 100 regulars, up to 200 itinerants. This was intense, as that's a large listener base for an internet radio station, especially in the pre-social media world (this is before FB, for instance). My schtick was the promotion of Australian music to an audience that hadn't come across it. Most of my listener base were from the UK and the US. We had a dedicated chat server, so I could see my listeners responses to my show in real time and respond to their questions in real time. I found that often during my shows I would be translating the nuances of the 3 cultural points of view. It's my “thing”.

I should also state upfront that I operate on the rule: “not right, not wrong, just different” when it comes to cultural observations and commentary. No way is better or worse, per se. We (often) unconsciously assume everyone knows the context for what is being said. This doesn’t always hold true

So with that background, there are three relevant points I've noticed in the comments here, which may possibly explain why you weren't a bit thrown by the reaction:

1. Australians (in general) swear, and it's OK (although there are subtle rules). Americans (in general) don't and it's seen has highly offensive to do so. Especially the use of the word 'fuck' which is generally used in Australian as a highlighter to a point, it's not aggressive, and not really rude (you wouldn't want your child to be saying it though). Many Americans that I've come across really object to its use. (likewise dildos and bottoms, to some extent, could be used as a descriptive, albeit emotional, metaphor rather than a direct attack)

Even those of us who are well spoken and articulate will generally swear it in a specific context/mood. Generally on my radio shows it was unneccessary and out of context (e.g. your regular posts), but when I did use it (some teenage listener was being rude to me and my show in the chat room) it elicited a strong response from my audience.

This is not to say stop using fuck, as I think it is important in context, and adds flavour to your thoughts, but just be aware that it is a serious trigger word for some people and may explain if you get a stronger reaction than you expected. A good velvet rope, as you've pointed out above.

2. Rants. Rants are good (TM). But most of the rest of the English speaking world doesn't necessarily agree with this. Rants are also, in Australia, not directed as a personal attack, and they are heart-felt. They are the way we vent and get strong emotions and opinions out of the system to then allow constructive interactions (your 2nd and 3rd posts are a good example of this development) We mean what we say when we rant, but also acknowledge that there is more than one side to the story. They are the sort of thing you would share with a Friend when you are very disappointed about something (not getting a call that you were looking forward to), or when down at the pub with mates and an important topic is brought up (how to avoid website heresies).

This is how I read your post. Possibly others didn't, as they don't have the context of the rant, nor understand its place and its nuances, and the way it can develop into a constructive conversation.

3. Not thinking you're special, not allowing that you could (also) be a cool kid. The tall-poppy syndrome. Australians are socially trained from an early age to not believe they are particularly clever, or special, but that we are all (relatively) equal. We're subjected to the horrible phrase: “up yourself” throughout school, to describe someone who states that other people like them, someone who dares to think they are somewhat cool (especially those sorts of girls who are intelligent and capable and who grow up to be able to write blog posts about awesome websites).

We learn to subtly pick up whether someone likes us and thinks we're cool through tone of voice and direct interaction. In many ways we are much more aware of subtext. We know that people can just be politely interacting, rather than thinking we're cool and forwarding our tweets (for instance). Americans (in general) tend to be much more upfront about such things, and will tell you what they think, expect that you understand that they'd not be paying you any attention if you weren't worth it, and expecting you to check in with them if there's a problem.

Scott suggested you could ask him whether he thought you were cool (his cultural nuance). I suspect that the very thought makes you cringe (your cultural nuance)?

There's no easy solution to this, it changes with practice and observation, and will always be true in various arenas of our life – I firmly believe that I am cool in relation to playing music, or when dealing with waste policy in Australia, but I am a quivering mess of nerves in relation to my ability to do my current job, as it involves leading a group of managers, even though in reality it will be fine.

————

None of the above points change the reason for your original post, nor the very good changes you've made since. Nor is this an apology for you, or anyone else who posted here. It just occurred to me as I was reading the responses that there'd been a substantial miscommunication of nuanced cultural expectations.

Also, apologies for writing such a long comment. These sorts of statement will eventually have a home in a blog, once I finish designing my bf's business's awesome website and then build my own. Once spider solitaire stops preventing me from doing this

[...] yesterday I blurted out a highly emotional post about social media and what I described as the big lie: Anyone with 10,000 followers on Twitter will not be your [...]